


harry potter fan club

by taleofeurydice



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Crack, Everyone's gay, F/F, F/M, Group chat, M/M, Texting, because I said so, hermione is intentionally black, honestly this is just to spite joanne terf rowling herself, i said trans rights and she can't stop me, so i'm already more powerful than her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24606949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taleofeurydice/pseuds/taleofeurydice
Summary: hjpottercreated the groupharry potter fan clubhjpotter: hello adoring subjectsluckoftheirish: fuck offgroup chat fic where everyone's chaotic and probably gayfuck terfs(characters and pairings will be updated as introduced)
Relationships: Daphne Greengrass/Pansy Parkinson, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley, Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas
Comments: 33
Kudos: 176





	1. tea is the superior beverage

**Author's Note:**

> be gay do crimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ron texts like it's 2011 and he's updating his facebook status, neville just wants to get some sleep.

_**hjpotter** created the group **harry potter fan club**_

_**weasleyisourking** was added to the group_

_**hermionejean** was added to the group_

_**luckoftheirish** was added to the group_

_**thomas06** was added to the group_

_**hoeticulture** was added to the group_

**hjpotter** : hello adoring subjects  


**luckoftheirish** : fuck off  


**thomas06** : what is this  


**hjpotter** : i got tired of asking you all individually if there was homework  


**hermionejean** : So it’s not just me you ask.  


**hermionejean** : I don’t know whether that’s an insult or not.  


**weasleyisourking** : why after almost 7 yrs u wld still ask me i dnt know  


**hjpotter** : true  


**thomas06** : so hermione texts with perfect grammar  


**thomas06** : are we surprised  


**luckoftheirish** : no  


**hoeticulture** : no  


**hjpotter** : no  


**weasleyisourking** : one time i didnt txt her 4 a wk in protest  


**weasleyisourking** : seeing capital letters makes me incandescent w rage  


**hermionejean** : And you missed three separate coursework deadlines because of it.  


**weasleyisourking** : a sacrifice i was willing 2 make  


**hjpotter** : incandescent  


**hjpotter** : ron. incandescent  


**weasleyisourking** : r u a parrot potter  


**hjpotter** : are you a swot weasley  


**weasleyisourking** : ok fuck u. u try dating hermione w/out learning a few new words  


**weasleyisourking** : shes a walking thesaurus  


**thomas06** : nice try ron. saw you last week in the common room reading homer  


**luckoftheirish** : no normal person plays competitive chess ronald  


**luckoftheirish** : just admit ur as much of a nerd as she is. just lowkey  


**weasleyisourking** : i will do no such thing  


**hermionejean** : Wait. Ron, you were reading Homer? Was it The Odyssey, or The Iliad?  


**weasleyisourking** : thx for tht dean  


**weasleyisourking** : it was the odyssey ok i knw hw much u love it. wanted 2 give it a try  


**luckoftheirish** : wow maybe hets do deserve rights  


**thomas06** : ok that’s cute  


**hjpotter** : ok that’s gross  


**luckoftheirish** : breaking news, harry potter hates straight people  


**hjpotter** : fuck yeah i do  


**weasleyisourking** : heterophobia  


**luckoftheirish** : who taught u that  


**luckoftheirish** : was it hermione  


**hjpotter** : ofc it was  


**weasleyisourking** : this is discrimination  


**luckoftheirish** : it sure is  


**luckoftheirish** : better get used to it. u an hermione are the only straight people here  


**hjpotter** : ha  


**weasleyisourking** : HA  


**hermionejean** : Seamus, I’m bisexual.  


**hermionejean** : Sorry to spoil your fun.  


**luckoftheirish** : ………  


**luckoftheirish** : so ur bi. and u would voluntarily date a straight person  


**hermionejean** : Community service.  


**thomas06** : lmao hermione  


**luckoftheirish** : always knew u were the bravest of us granger  


**hoeticulture** : i love you guys  


**hoeticulture** : i do  


**hoeticulture** : but please can you shut the fuck up. i’m trying to sleep  


**luckoftheirish** : weak  


**luckoftheirish** : who sleeps at 2:14am  


**weasleyisourking** : sry didnt realise u wre my gran  


**hjpotter** : even hermione’s awake nev  


**hoeticulture** : hermione’s an insomniac with anxiety  


**hoeticulture** : whatever point you were trying to make, it was not a good one  


**hermionejean** : Neville’s right. Though, you are also an insomniac with anxiety.  


**hoeticulture** : of course i'm right  


**hoeticulture** : yes but you drink ungodly amounts of coffee. no wonder you can’t sleep  


**luckoftheirish** : someone’s cranky when they’re tired  


**hermionejean** : Hey! There’s no need to attack my caffeine intake.  


**hoeticulture** : tea is the superior beverage hermione  


**hoeticulture** : just accept it  


**hjpotter** : neville no  


**weasleyisourking** : NO  


**weasleyisourking** : FUCK  


**weasleyisourking** : NO  


**thomas06** : huh  


**hermionejean** : You would really say that TEA is better than COFFEE?  


**hermionejean** : Tea tastes like hot, mouldy paint water. It could NEVER compare to coffee. The fact that you would even say that is abhorrent.  


**hoeticulture** : tea has many medicinal properties. coffee tastes like the liquid manifestation of a headbutt  


**hermionejean** : I never said it didn’t.  


**hoeticulture** : but you’ll drag the taste of tea?  


**hermionejean** : Until my final breath is rattling in my chest.  


**thomas06** : you’re both wrong  


**thomas06** : they both suck. hot chocolate is the only hot drink allowed  


_**hermionejean** left the group  
_

**luckoftheirish** : dean…… pls say sike  


****

_**hermionejean** was added to the group  
_

**hermionejean** : Harry. Let me leave. I refuse to be in a group chat with someone so ignorant.  


**luckoftheirish** : dean i’m begging u  


**luckoftheirish** : pls tell me u were jokin  


**thomas06** : …  


**luckoftheirish** : i’m breakin up with u  


**luckoftheirish** : u legally can’t date an irishman an hate tea  


**weasleyisourking** : tea isnt evn tht good  


**luckoftheirish** : i’m joining the ira  


**hjpotter** : LMAOOOO  


**luckoftheirish** : i have had it wit u brits  


**hjpotter** : oh mood  


**hoeticulture** : i hate all of you  


**weasleyisourking** : u literally started this nev  


**thomas06** : he’s always starting drama  


**thomas06** : sneaky little shit  


**hoeticulture** : dean that’s homophobic  


**luckoftheirish** : yeah dean  


**hoeticulture** : anyway i seriously regret it  


****

**hoeticulture** : you lot are insufferable  


****

**hjpotter** : neville i’m blushing  


****

**weasleyisourking** : u say the sweetest things nev  


****

**thomas06** : dw nev if i was single i definitely would  


****

**luckoftheirish** : what do u mean if  


****

**luckoftheirish** : we’re broken up  


****

**luckoftheirish** : i’m down if u are neville. nobody has to know  


****

**hoeticulture** : wow  


****

**hoeticulture** : in a shocking turn of events, hermione is the only member of this groupchat i don’t want to garrotte with my tie  


****

**luckoftheirish** : kinky  


****

**weasleyisourking** : whatevr floats ur boat nev my man  


****

**hoeticulture** : fuck you all  


****

**hoeticulture** : except hermione. goodnight to her only  


****

**hermionejean** : Goodnight, Neville. Sleep well.  


****

**luckoftheirish** : boo. spoilsport  


****

**luckoftheirish** : night nev  


****

**hjpotter** : goodnight mate  


****

**weasleyisourking** : gn neville old boy  


****

**thomas06** : night man  


****

**hoeticulture** : …  


****

**hoeticulture** : fine  


****

**hoeticulture** : goodnight guys  


****

**luckoftheirish** : mwah

****

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm team dean. i don't know how you guys drink tea or coffee.
> 
> next:
> 
> **hoeticulture** : the next time i see you all i will be out for blood  
> 
> 
> **luckoftheirish** : neville pls stop sexting us in class  
> 


	2. master of disguise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seamus risks his life, and the groupchat gets some new additions.

**hoeticulture** : the next time i see you all i will be out for blood  


**luckoftheirish** : neville pls stop sexting us in class  


**hoeticulture** : wait you have period 7 today as well?  


**luckoftheirish** : nah i’m in detention  


**luckoftheirish** : the boys have football practice  


**hoeticulture** : well when they get out i’ll tell them the same thing  


**hoeticulture** : i’m in history and i’m about to fall asleep. all because you lot couldn’t shut up last night  


**hermionejean** : Hello, Neville, Seamus. While I appreciate your plight, I am trying to study, and Mrs Pince keeps giving me dirty looks when my phone buzzes.

 **hermionejean** : And Seamus, I really don’t think you should be texting from detention.  


**luckoftheirish** : ur comment has been logged  


**luckoftheirish** : however pls be advised that we are not currently taking suggestions  


**luckoftheirish** : thank u  


**hermionejean** : I don't know why I put up with you.  


**hermionejean** : Are you in detention with Ms McGonagall?  


**luckoftheirish** : yeah  


**hermionejean** : Do you have a death wish?  


**hoeticulture** : remember who you're talking to  


**hermionejean** : Good point.  


**luckoftheirish** : anyway she hasn't spotted my phone yet  


**hermionejean** : And you would take that chance?  


**luckoftheirish** : i'm a master of disguise  


**luckoftheirish** : discretion is only one of my endless talents  


**luckoftheirish** : i am so stealthy i'm practically invisible  


**luckoftheirish** : iiiiiiiii&%$i  


**hoeticulture** : he's dead  


**hermionejean** : Seamus?  


**luckoftheirish** : Good evening, Miss Granger. I assume the other party with the very creative username is Mr Longbottom. Mr Finnigan's phone has been confiscated as he is sitting detention. You'll be able to communicate with him again at 5:30PM, once he has regained possession of his device. Have a good evening.  


**hermionejean** : Oh. Thank you.  


**hoeticulture** : sdjsjdsjjsjds  


**hoeticulture** : 'very creative username'  


**hermionejean** : Oh my G-d. How mortifying.  


**hoeticulture** : i can never look ms mcgonagall in the eye again  


**hoeticulture** : she has seen me refer to myself as HOEticulture  


**hoeticulture** : yeah miss i'm just a slut for plants  


**hermionejean** : I'm also slightly concerned that she guessed it was you straight away.  


**hoeticulture** : fuck she did you're right  


**hoeticulture** : brb leaving the country  


**hermionejean** : LMAO.  


**hoeticulture** : hermione please stop laughing at me in perfect grammar  


_**hoeticulture** changed their name to **nobody**_

**hermionejean** : Is that an Odysseus joke, or are you being needlessly dramatic?  


**nobody** : it sounds like you're implying that odysseus wasn't needlessly dramatic  


**hermionejean** : You know what? Touché.  


**nobody** : anyway i'm in crisis, i'm allowed to be dramatic  


**hermionejean** : Anyone remotely adept at dealing with human emotions is absent, so I'm calling for backup. BRB.  


**nobody** : 'anyone'  


**nobody** : it's ok, you can just say dean  


_**callmeginny** was added to the group_

_**lalaluna** was added to the group_

**hermionejean** : Reinforcements.  


**lalaluna** : hiiiii  


**lalaluna** : gin's at practice  


**lalaluna** : what's up? <3  


**hermionejean** : Neville's in crisis and I've been told I'm 'about as tactful as a funeral-goer shitting into an open casket, before setting it on fire'.  


**nobody** : sdkskdskdks who the FUCK said that  


**nobody** : wait no it was harry wasn't it  


**hermionejean** : Of course.  


**lalaluna** : he doesn't pull his punches does he? xD  


**hermionejean** : Not in the slightest.  


**lalaluna** : anyway what's wrong nev? <3  


**lalaluna** : btw aren't you two supposed to be in class rn?  


**nobody** : i'm in history but mr binns hasn't noticed that his toupée is hanging off his ear  


**nobody** : somehow i doubt he'll notice i've been on my phone all lesson  


**hermionejean** : I was trying to study, but I gave up on that once these idiots started gossiping. It was either surrender, or be kicked out of the library by Mrs Pince.  


**lalaluna** : makes sense xD  


**nobody** : anyway. my crisis  


**hjpotter** : crisis? why are you in crisis?  


**luckoftheirish** : i'm back dickheadssss  


**thomas06** : wait who's nobody  


**thomas06** : hey luna  


**callmeginny** : what am i doing here  


**nobody** : oh great. the clowns have returned  


**lalaluna** : hi deannn <3  


**lalaluna** : oh and it's neville :P  


**callmeginny** : oh hi babe x  


**lalaluna** : <3  


**weasleyisourking** : every1s on their phones so i wanted 2 join in  


**weasleyisourking** : wait why is my sister here  


**weasleyisourking** : and luna but i dnt mind her  


**callmeginny** : fuck u too ron x  


**lalaluna** : :D  


**thomas06** : nev?  


**hjpotter** : nev?  


**hjpotter** : haha jinx  


**nobody** : just left mr binns class and found a wild hermione granger laying in wait outside  


**nobody** : the girls are here for emotional support  


**nobody** : i won't relive my trauma. you're all going to have to scroll up  


**nobody** : ok are you all just slow readers or  


**luckoftheirish** : BAHAHAHAHAHA  


**luckoftheirish** : SORRY NEV  


**weasleyisourking** : mcgonagall rly said 'now we dnt hv time 2 unpack all of tht' and left  


**callmeginny** : nev i love u but akjakajajak  


**callmeginny** : u gotta cut ur losses nd leave  


**callmeginny** : im sure there are spaces in witness protection  


**nobody** : sure but can the national crime agency also burn the shame from my prefrontal cortex? i don't think so  


**thomas06** : well at least you went with your second choice pun  


**thomas06** : i can't imagine whoreticulture would have been much better received  


**hjpotter** : neville i'm sorry to have to tell you this but you suck at usernames and mcgonagall probably thinks you want to fuck a cardamom plant  


**hermionejean** : HARRY  


**callmeginny** : ok mr 'hjpotter'  


**weasleyisourking** : brave words from some1 whose user is hjpotter  


**hermionejean** : Everybody shut up, please. Harry, you especially. You're stressing poor Neville out.  


**hermionejean** : Look at what you've done.  


**hermionejean** : [Attachment: 1 image]  


**lalaluna** : oh neville <3  


**callmeginny** : sdjsdjsjdsj neville u dramatic shit get off the floor  


**weasleyisourking** : ...  


**weasleyisourking** : why is neville laying on the floor  


**luckoftheirish** : he's dramatic an gay, leave the man alone  


**hermionejean** : Neville told me to tell Ron to 'stop being homophobic'.  


**hermionejean** : I'm reading your messages to him, since he is 'too distraught to peruse your - and that's everyone in this chat's - horrible messages'.  


**lalaluna** : hermione please tell neville that laying on the floor is transphobic xD  


**lalaluna** : i’m trans so i know these things :P  


**callmeginny** : haha  


**thomas06** : you've got him there luna lmao  


**hermionejean** : [Attachment: 1 video]  


**hjpotter** : hermione how much coffee have you had  


**weasleyisourking** : why does tht look like a video frm the trenches of 1914  


**callmeginny** : HAHAHA HE SAID TRANS RIGHTS  


**thomas06** : that is the saddest peace sign i have ever seen  


**thomas06** : but at least he got off the floor  


**hermionejean** : I'm taking Neville home. You've all terrorised him enough for one day.  


**hjpotter** : lmao sorry nev  


**luckoftheirish** : uh oh he's typing  


**nobody** : i hate gay people  


_**nobody** muted **harry potter fan club** for 8 hours_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in this house we respect neither canon nor consistency. 
> 
> trans fucking rights.
> 
> next:
> 
>  **nobody** : harry  
>  **nobody** : your dad  
>  **nobody** : DILF  
> 


	3. a perfectly civil threat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry wishes he had chosen better friends.

**luckoftheirish** : alright dickheads u know what time it is  


**thomas06** : HALLOWEEEEEEEEN  


**hjpotter** : fuck yeah  


**hermionejean** : Oh, not this again.  


**hjpotter** : hermioneeeee  


**hermionejean** : No.  


**thomas06** : hermione it's our last year  


**thomas06** : we want you to be there  


**hjpotter** : pleaseee hermione  


**hjpotter** : it's literally just a small gathering of friends, you love those  


**luckoftheirish** : yeah an u also love bullying us  


**luckoftheirish** : so it's a win win for u  


**hermionejean** : What's your excuse for the underage drinking this time?  


**luckoftheirish** : my mam's gonna be there  


**luckoftheirish** : it's completely supervised  


**thomas06** : hermione you're of age you're literally fine  


**hjpotter** : take a break from studying and hang out with us  


**hjpotter** : you can just not drink if that's what's stopping you  


**hermionejean** : Fine.  


**hjpotter** : are you actually going to make me beg  


**hjpotter** : wait what  


**hermionejean** : I'll go.  


**hjpotter** : LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO  


**luckoftheirish** : YES  


**luckoftheirish** : THIS IS GOING TO BE SO FUCKING GOOD  


**callmeginny** : what are u idiots shouting abt at this hour  


**hjpotter** : well this is awkward  


**luckoftheirish** : forgot u lot were in here now  


**callmeginny** : fuck off  


**callmeginny** : oh yes the halloween party ive been banned from  


**thomas06** : banned is a pretty strong word  


**thomas06** : disinvited?  


**callmeginny** : yet another reason to hate my brother  


**luckoftheirish** : screw that  


**luckoftheirish** : if u wanna come u can gin  


**callmeginny** : sweet  


**callmeginny** : can luna come too  


**callmeginny** : btw if u say no thats homophobic  


**luckoftheirish** : as if i'd say no to luna  


**callmeginny** : true  


**weasleyisourking** : hello fellow kids  


**weasleyisourking** : how is the bantering on this fine evening  


**thomas06** : there are too many vowels for that to be ron  


**hjpotter** : maybe he's having a stroke  


**callmeginny** : i did just hear a scream coming from his room  


**thomas06** : is he okay  


**callmeginny** : who knows  


**thomas06** : did you check on him  


**callmeginny** : why would i do that  


**weasleyisourking** : hello hermione ;-)  


**hermionejean** : Uh, hello?  


**callmeginny** : oh  


**callmeginny** : mystery solved  


**callmeginny** : [Attachment: 1 image]  


**thomas06** : tag yourself i'm george and the black eye he's going to have from ron kicking him in the face  


**hjpotter** : oh for sure  


**luckoftheirish** : i'm 100% charlie cacklin over fred's shoulder  


**hjpotter** : i'm charlie  


**hjpotter** : wait no i'm charlie you can't be charlie  


**luckoftheirish** : no ur fred  


**luckoftheirish** : look at his face  


**luckoftheirish** : he is a harbinger of disaster and he revels in it  


**hjpotter** : ok fine  


**hjpotter** : i'm fred  


**weasleyisourking** : as you should be  


_**weasleyisourking** changed their name to **ickleronniekins**_  


**hermionejean** : Hello, Fred.  


**ickleronniekins** : heyyyyyy hermione ;-)  


**thomas06** : that's disturbing  


**ickleronniekins** : you're face is disturbing  


**hjpotter** : FRED NO  


**ickleronniekins** : what  


**luckoftheirish** : he doesn't mean it hermione  


**hjpotter** : he's just joking  


**ickleronniekins** : i will repeat: what  


**hjpotter** : i think you killed her  


**thomas06** : she's practising self restraint  


**hjpotter** : it's ok hermione you can let it out  


**hermionejean** : ...  


**luckoftheirish** : go ahead  


**hermionejean** : *Your  


**thomas06** : there it is  


**ickleronniekins** : oh for fucks sake  


**hjpotter** : oh shit neville's typing  


**nobody** : i am going to come to each of your houses and shit through your letterboxes  


**hjpotter** : LMAOOOO  


**thomas06** : good evening to you too  


**nobody** : it is once again two in the godforsaken morning  


**ickleronniekins** : the mouth on this one  


**luckoftheirish** : the first time i heard nev swear i snorted my water out my nose  


**thomas06** : i remember that  


**thomas06** : "harry if you touch my chips again i'm going to cut your fucking hands off and feed them to you"  


**thomas06** : really shattered the illusion of him being quiet  


**luckoftheirish** : for 6 years we thought he was a nice person  


**nobody** : first you wake me up and then you slander my good name  


**nobody** : the fuck do you mean by that, i AM nice  


**luckoftheirish** : uh huh so u didn't just threaten to shit in our letterboxes  


**nobody** : that was a perfectly civil threat  


**nobody** : i would argue that since you woke me up, i am well within my rights to be upset  


**callmeginny** : objection ur honour  


**callmeginny** : nev has the foulest mouth i have ever heard  


**callmeginny** : as i have been friends with the defendant longest, i know this for a fact  


**nobody** : this is absurd  


**nobody** : i have never been anything but nice to you harlots  


**ickleronniekins** : WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HARLOT, SCOUNDREL?  


**ickleronniekins** : this is george btw fred switched with me :-)  


**callmeginny** : no shit its u. literally nobody else i know is that annoying  


**nobody** : oh i'm sorry, did i offend you, common whore?  


**callmeginny** : COMMON WHORE SDJSJDSJS  


**callmeginny** : im calling george that from now on  


**hjpotter** : [Attachment: 1 image]  


**thomas06** : lmao harry same  


**luckoftheirish** : wow the despair in ur eyes is really palpable mate  


**callmeginny** : HAHAHA U LOOK LIKE THAT LISA SIMPSON MEME  


**ickleronniekins** : you guys hav the messiest gc i hav ever seen  


**callmeginny** : your point?  


**ickleronniekins** : nothing i lov it  


**thomas06** : you've completed the nerd trifecta george  


**luckoftheirish** : the raw nerd power here is now at dangerous levels  


**hermionejean** : Unfortunately, we will never outnumber the football players.  


**hjpotter** : you can't hate football players that much if you're dating one  


**hermionejean** : I can't read suddenly, I don't know.  


**callmeginny** : u cant run from the truth granger  


**nobody** : you're all traitors  


**nobody** : dating people who play... sports  


**luckoftheirish** : i know i'm sorry  


**luckoftheirish** : but abs are hot  


**hermionejean** : I have to concur.  


**hjpotter** : [Attachment: 1 image]  


**ickleronniekins** : did  


**ickleronniekins** : did harry james potter just send a thirst trap  


**ickleronniekins** : shit hes killed you all  


**hjpotter** : lmaoooo  


**nobody** : suddenly i'm into sports  


**callmeginny** : [Attachment: 1 image]  


**luckoftheirish** : dean i'm legally gonna need to see ur abs now  


**thomas06** : you see my abs all the time  


**callmeginny** : we're waiting dean  


**thomas06** : oh my god fine  


**thomas06** : [Attachment: 1 image]  


**callmeginny** : hell yeah  


**ickleronniekins** : that felt like a fever dream  


**nobody** : while you all have lovely abs  


**nobody** : dad bods>>>  


**callmeginny** : why would u say smth so brave yet so controversial  


**hjpotter** : let the man speak  


**nobody** : speaking of dads  


**nobody** : i’m sorry but  


**nobody** : harry  


**nobody** : your dad  


**nobody** : DILF  


**hermionejean** : NEVILLE  


**callmeginny** : HAHAHAHA  


**hjpotter** : i’m going to kill you  


**callmeginny** : no no u said let the man speak  


**luckoftheirish** : mate i’m sorry but neville has a point  


**luckoftheirish** : ur da  


**luckoftheirish** : he’s fit  


**thomas06** : he really is  


**callmeginny** : he really is  


**ickleronniekins** : yeah  


**ickleronniekins** : [Attachment: 1 video]  


_**hjpotter** left the group  
_

**luckoftheirish** : BAHAHAHA  


**luckoftheirish** : the fact that i now have a video of 5 weasleys callin harry's dad hot  


**thomas06** : why does ron look like that lmao  


**callmeginny** : I JUST ASKED HIM AND HE TURNED SO RED  


**callmeginny** : breaking: one man's heterosexuality on shaky foundations  


**ickleronniekins** : haha he said he's straight not blind  


**nobody** : fair  


_**hjpotter** was added to the group  
_

**hjpotter** : have you all regained your common sense  


**callmeginny** : ha good one  


**luckoftheirish** : don't be rude u know we never had any of that  


**hjpotter** : hey  


**hjpotter** : hey guys  


**thomas06** : what  


**luckoftheirish** : what  


**callmeginny** : what  


**ickleronniekins** : what  


**nobody** : what  


**hjpotter** : go fuck yourselves  


_**hjpotter** muted **harry potter fan club** for 8 hours  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he’s not mad he just loves causing a scene.
> 
> up next: the halloween party from hell and perhaps... some slytherins? stay tuned.


	4. a dick smoothie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> general chaos ensues, and things get gayer because they were decidedly not gay enough before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so first, apologies for being away for so long. life grabbed me in a chokehold and refused to let go. university is rough, man. also, there will be noticeable changes to the typing styles; i cannot keep up with how each character types so now they will all type like me. it is going to be glaringly obvious, so yeah. just pretend you didn't notice. i wanna keep going with this and that's what it takes. it also takes me learning to be funny, but that's unattainable. enjoy anyway.

**callmeginny** : okay seamus don't freak out  


**luckoftheirish** : you know that's the easiest way to get me to freak out  


**callmeginny** : i'm sorry okay it's just  


**callmeginny** : neville may or may not have downed half a bottle of tequila and be attempting to dance to single ladies on top of your coffee table  


**luckoftheirish** : you mean my GLASS coffee table?? that one??  


**callmeginny** : um yes  


**hjpotter** : ha lightweight  


**weasleyisourking** : you're telling me that's where my tequila went  


**weasleyisourking** : george gave me that bottle nev you dickhead  


**nobody** : M SORRU  


**nobody** : GEORGR IM SOEEY  


**saintgeorge** : do not fret neville my good sir  


**saintgeorge** : you seem to be putting it to excellent use  


**luckoftheirish** : fucking hell where's hermione  


**weasleyisourking** : in the corner crying because she had a sex dream about mcgonagall last night  


**thomas06** : WHAT  


**weasleyisourking** : hang on i donut think i was supposed to tell you that  


**callmeginny** : lmao been there  


**thomas06** : WHAT  


**weasleyisourking** : one time harry had a dream about snape and he woke up screaming  


**saintgeorge** : in the good way? ;)  


**weasleyisourking** : no  


**weasleyisourking** : he was shaking and screaming about not wanting to drink a dick smoothie  


**weasleyisourking** : good times  


**saintgeorge** : excuse me  


**weasleyisourking** : you're excused  


**saintgeorge** : don't sass me i'm not fred  


**weasleyisourking** : you have the same face so who's to say you're not  


**weasleyisourking** : just looking at you brings me unbearable pain and suffering i'm allowed to be a bit sassy  


**callmeginny** : it really is strange how ron becomes literate when drunk  


**thomas06** : the eloquence is startling. he hasn't made a single typo  


**thomas06** : but ANYWAY back to harry's snape dream ;)  


**thomas06** : i remember it vividly because we had to tie him to his desk chair because he woke up and tried to throw himself out of the window  


**hjpotter** : GUYS STOP EMBARRASSINF ME  


**weasleyisourking** : and it was all over nothing because they didn't even do anything scandalous  


**hjpotter** : SEVERUS SNAPE TRIED TO PUT MY DICK IN A BLENDER  


**hjpotter** : HE TOLD ME HE WANTED TO MAKE A DELICIOUS NUTRITIONAL SMOOTHIE  


**hjpotter** : THEN HE DETACHED MY DICK WITH HOT PINK PLASTIC TONGS  


**saintgeorge** : kinky  


**luckoftheirish** : that's literally nothing. one time i had a dream that the asshole ofsted inspector we had last year kept spanking dumbledore with this pink paddle, and she kept calling it 'mama's little love hand' but it had spikes and every time she spanked him, dumbledore just looked me dead in the eyes and whispered 'rumbleroar'  


**saintgeorge** : lmao you mean that umbridge woman?  


**luckoftheirish** : yeah  


**saintgeorge** : that sounds right  


**saintgeorge** : anyway bye lads i need my beauty sleep  


**hermionejean** : hELLOOooo fellow gays i has RETURNED  


**hermionejean** : oh bYE GEorge :(  


**thomas06** : jesus christ who let hermione at the kosher whiskey  


**nobody** : harru brunged it and they re sharinggg iT together  


**callmeginny** : i'd like to thank lily potter for always having the best kosher alcohol and allowing us to see these two in their rawest most chaotic states  


**hermionejean** : EVrybody SHUT  


**hermionejean** : i have juST had the BESTEst idea oh my g-d my brain is so SEXC and big  


**thomas06** : that's it i'm crying  


**hermionejean** : bitch  


**thomas06** : I BREATHED  


**hermionejean** : breathiN lik a biTCH  


**hermionejean** : n e way let me do my IDEA oh my G-D  


**thomas06** : are we sure ron and hermione haven't just switched phones this is a whole freaky friday situation here  


**hjpotter** : no unfortunately they're just like this  


_**dracomalfoy** was added to the group  
_

_**zabini** was added to the group  
_

_**greengays** was added to the group  
_

_**pynkpansy** was added to the group  
_

**hermionejean** : tA daaaaa!!!!  


**nobody** : hermione you were rigHT your brain is so fuckING SEXC  


**dracomalfoy** : i am both terrified and amused  


**zabini** : are hermione and nev having a stroke  


**weasleyisourking** : NO I REFUSE  


**hjpotter** : HERMIONE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE  


**pynkpansy** : hey harry  


**hjpotter** : don't hey harry me  


**greengays** : hey harry  


**hjpotter** : oh hey daph how are you  


**pynkpansy** : fuck you too potter i was trying to be nice  


**hermionejean** : nO EveyONe stop fighting!!!  


**greengays** : no fighting no fighting  


**hjpotter** : shakira shakira  


**callmeginny** : proof harry is drunker than he's letting on  


**callmeginny** : also has anyone seen my girlfriend i miss her :(  


**weasleyisourking** : last i saw she was with my girlfriend  


**callmeginny** : damn seamus why is your house so easy to get lost in  


**thomas06** : tunnels for the wee leprechauns to escape through  


**luckoftheirish** : drunk dean has no sense of self preservation apparently  


**zabini** : that sounds mildly threatening on your part  


**luckoftheirish** : oh thanks for letting me know  


**luckoftheirish** : i was going for overtly threatening, i'll turn it up  


**luckoftheirish** : dean i'm going to slit you open from throat to groin and wear your intestines like a scarf  


**zabini** : nice  


**pynkpansy** : okay someone tell me what we're doing here  


**hermionejean** : are yOI Not havingg fun :(((((  


**dracomalfoy** : oh great pansy now look what you've done  


**pynkpansy** : i am definitely having fun babe trust me, i was just wondering  


**hermionejean** : i wanted to TEll embarrassinf stories and i nEded an audience who'd appreciate it >:)  


**dracomalfoy** : i'm suddenly thrilled to be here  


**hjpotter** : literally choke  


**dracomalfoy** : oh you're not big enough for that sweetheart  


**nobody** : HE  


**dracomalfoy** : oh hey nev  


**thomas06** : IM FUCKING SCREAMING  


**luckoftheirish** : i'm genuinely going to piss my pants oh ymgod  


**callmeginny** : DSKJDSKJSKJDK  


**weasleyisourking** : OH FUCKING HELL  


**weasleyisourking** : MY BABY SISTER JUST TRIPPED DOWN LIKE THREE STEPS I HOPE YOURE PROUD MALFOY  


**dracomalfoy** : lmaooo sorry?  


**callmeginny** : it's okay i didn't die i'm big stronk  


**callmeginny** : also draco hi i love you please never leave  


**callmeginny** : harry is literally so red right now  


**lalaluna** : OMG HI EVERYONE  


**greengays** : is everyone here drunk  


**lalaluna** : oh no i don't drink i was just busy looking after nev and hermione :) <3  


**pynkpansy** : an actual angel  


**greengays** : luna you're a saint  


**callmeginny** : loving luna hours: open  


**hermionejean** : yES YEs we all love LUUna she's literally alL THAts gud in the WRLd ,,who wans to hear aboUT the tiem harry peed hiMSELf from laugfhing too hard and THn got too embarraszed to tell anYONe so i used it to blackmail him for months  


**hjpotter** : oh for fucks sake  


**greengays** : pansy just shrieked like a banshee  


**dracomalfoy** : not harry potter pissing his pants i'm going to pass out  


**hjpotter** : eat shit and die  


**hjpotter** : listen you guys haven't seen hermione play charades she's terrible at acting and worse at guessing  


**hjpotter** : the prompt was 'stuck in the mud' so i was pretending to pull my leg behind me  


**hjpotter** : and obviously i looked a bit like a limp troll but hermione just looked me dead in the eye and said 'mrs grubbly-plank'  


**dracomalfoy** : don't be so hard on yourself you can't help it if your face just looks like that  


**hjpotter** : i'm going to shove my fist so far down your throat you will be shitting jazz hands  


**hjpotter** : so yes i laughed so hard i peed i'm not ashamed  


**weasleyisourking** : it's just because he's drunk  


**weasleyisourking** : he was so embarrassed he let hermione blackmail him into wearing crocs and a fedora and then she made him dance to the sound of silence by simon and garfunkel  


**weasleyisourking** : in front of the entire football team  


**zabini** : please tell me there's a video  


**hermionejean** : there's a video >;)  


**dracomalfoy** : everybody say thank you hermione  


**hjpotter** : hermione is both cruel and terrifying i am still not embarrassed  


**hermionejean** : oh realLY?//?? so YOu won't mind if i JUSt  


**hermionejean** : [Attached: 1 video]  


**zabini** : oh my god  


**greengays** : NO FUCKING WAY  


**hjpotter** : oh fuck me  


**hjpotter** : don't even say anything @ **dracomalfoy**  


**dracomalfoy** : i couldn't even if i wanted to.... i'm genuinely speechless  


**callmeginny** : wow draco's too stunned to flirt with harry this is new  


**hjpotter** : he's not flirting with me???  


**callmeginny** : draco i'm so sorry  


**greengays** : "you're stupid... i like that in a man" - draco, probably  


**dracomalfoy** : it's been two years at this point i think i might be a masochist  


**pynkpansy** : not our fault you think roasting someone is a form of flirting  


**dracomalfoy** : bullying is a valid way of showing affection and you are literally no better  


**zabini** : ok i can't lie harry this is high art  


**zabini** : you really have a talent  


**hjpotter** : fuck off blaise i thought we were friends  


**zabini** : LMAOOO  


**pynkpansy** : CAN YOU HEAR ME CACKLING  


**greengays** : yes babe i can you're literally sitting on my lap screaming in my ear  


**pynkpansy** : HE FUCKING JUST  


**pynkpansy** : ~hello darkness my old friend~ *slut drops*  


**pynkpansy** : and the TWERKING.... he's on beat too djsjdskdj i'm actually going to puncture a lung  


**zabini** : i genuinely think i already have  


**greengays** : SDSJJDJSKK YES HARRY GO OFF KING  


**zabini** : the high kick,, the orange croc,, the pointed toe,,,, he was really working it  


**callmeginny** : once again draco i am so sorry  


**hjpotter** : why are you apologising to him i'm the one being humiliated  


**dracomalfoy** : are you  


**dracomalfoy** : are you really  


**hjpotter** : yes?  


**dracomalfoy** : okay yeah i'm a masochist  


**zabini** : lmaooo  


**nobody** : iss oka y draco. i like em stupid tooo  


**thomas06** : LMFAOOOOO  


**greengays** : bold words there nev  


**nobody** : m Y boyf rieND is dum as rokcs but its okay becse so am i  


**zabini** : ah yes the age old tale of the booksmart but somehow common senseless idiot. a classic  


**weasleyisourking** : wait neville has a boyfriend????????????/  


**hjpotter** : who the hell is he dating  


**zabini** : well now this is awkward  


**hjpotter** : hang on, you know????? and we don't????  


**weasleyisourking** : this is heterophobia again isn't it  


**hjpotter** : i'm bisexual. it must be racism  


**zabini** : i'm both straight and black and yet i know  


**zabini** : this really is just tragic  


**greengays** : lads can i get an f in the chat  


**dracomalfoy** : lmaooo sucks to be you two  


**dracomalfoy** : f  


**zabini** : f  


**pynkpansy** : yeah i'm not doing that  


**greengays** : not even for me? :(  


**pynkpansy** : ...  


**pynkpansy** : f  


**greengays** : :)  


**hjpotter** : neville i can't believe you didn't tell us  


**hjpotter** : does our friendship really mean that little to you  


**nobody** : yes  


**zabini** : at least he's honest  


**nobody** : yoU two can't kEeep a secrt to save YOUr liVe s  


**weasleyisourking** : now that's just not true  


**weasleyisourking** : i am great at keeping secrets  


**weasleyisourking** : i've literally never told anyone about that time harry walked into a tree and gave himself a whole minor concussion because he got distracted by draco running his hands through his hair  


**zabini** : ...  


**weasleyisourking** : ok i see your point  


**callmeginny** : GUYS HARRYS TRYING TO CHOKESLAM RON  


**callmeginny** : i'm going to video it hold on  


**greengays** : uh maybe stop him?  


**callmeginny** : a valid idea but no  


**callmeginny** : i don't think i will  


**dracomalfoy** : thank you  


**dracomalfoy** : thank you hermione for adding us to this mess  


**zabini** : yeah and rip ron i guess  


**dracomalfoy** : i guess  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ten points for spotting the blatant and very out of place avpm references. also if you saw any errors, no you didn't❤️


	5. zimzalabim bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the el gee bee tees assemble. that's literally it. harry gets bullied and the boys try to guess who neville's boyfriend is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my horror when i realised i had accidentally forgotten to include fred. pretty biphobic of me i think. 
> 
> also harry walking into a tree because boy runs hand through hair? personal experience. my friends made fun of me for days after i did it. i also once tripped down an entire flight of stairs when a pretty girl touched my arm. disaster bi reporting for duty.

**hjpotter** : anyway that's how i ended up on the school roof with one sock on and jam dripping into my ass crack  


**thesuperiortwin** : what flavour jam was it  


**hjpotter** : raspberry  


**thesuperiortwin** : legend  


**zabini** : i swear every time i open this chat my eyes get assaulted  


**zabini** : also harry: what the fuck are you insane  


**hjpotter** : mmm yes i am thank you for asking  


**thomas06** : he's chronically stupid and we just accept that  


**hjpotter** : i cannot help that i am just so sexy and powerful  


**lalaluna** : honestly love that for you harry! ❤️  


**hjpotter** : luna please im crying you really are the only one in here i respect  


**lalaluna** : 🥰  


**zabini** : harry's self esteem..... inpenetrable  


**dracomalfoy** : 😏😏😏  


**hjpotter** : i'm going to gargle battery acid and spit on your eyeballs  


**dracomalfoy** : wink wonk  


**thomas06** : there is literally no insult that can faze him it's truly a wonder  


**callmeginny** : this is what happens when you put a leo on a pedestal and call him 'the chosen one'  


**hjpotter** : not my fault i defeated the darkest wizard in history with my pure sex appeal and raw animal magnetism alone  


**thomas06** : you got our maths teacher fired literally shut the fuck up  


**thomas06** : he was a bullying prick not a dark sorcerer you're so dramatic  


**hjpotter** : whatever you say, i just know i singlehandedly saved our entire school YOU 👏🏽 ARE 👏🏽 WELCOME 👏🏽  


**callmeginny** : someone please collect him  


**zabini** : wow @ **dracomalfoy**... this your man?  


**dracomalfoy** : unfortunately no  


**thesuperiortwin** : wow i actually heard the wistful sigh there  


**zabini** : disgusting  


**hjpotter** : ........anygays  


**hjpotter** : can we go back to talking about how cool and hot and awesome i am  


**thomas06** : literally nobody was doing that  


**hjpotter** : um if you all hate me so much why are you in my fan club???? checkmate suckers  


**hjpotter** : DON'T HATE ME CAUSE YOU AIN'T ME  


_**callmeginny** changed the group name to **ginny's hoes**  
_

**thomas06** : the way this is an improvement  


**zabini** : you know what. i'll take it  


**hjpotter** : you are all fake as fuck  


**callmeginny** : name one time we've even pretended to like you  


**hjpotter** : WELL FUCKING OUCH  


**hjpotter** : kidding, i literally cannot hear you over the sound of your adoration  


**thesuperiortwin** : okay yeah this is incredible  


**thomas06** : love that everyone thinks harry's super humble and nice and shit  


**thomas06** : only we know the monster he truly is  


**hjpotter** : ego as fat as my ass and what  


**dracomalfoy** : what ass  


**hjpotter** : jealousy is a disease bitch  


**nobody** : harry you're not allowed to say that word within sixty feet of me please we've been over this  


**callmeginny** : lmaooo neville's stan senses tingled  


**nobody** : listen i JUST WANT A DIS-EASE STAGE IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR  


**thesuperiortwin** : i thought we were leaving delusions in 2020........  


**nobody** : don't make me block you  


**thomas06** : um?  


**zabini** : is this neville revealing he has a stan twt  


**nobody** : no  


**hjpotter** : yes  


**nobody** : fuck off you zimzalabim bitch  


**hjpotter** : LEAVE MY GIRLS OUT OF THIS  


**zabini** : ok but if we're not talking about twice i do not. want. to talk  


**callmeginny** : if i bully you all are you going to spam me with fancams  


**thomas06** : i know exactly one (1) thing about kpop and it's jimin  


**nobody** : WOOF WOOF BARK GROWL  


**callmeginny** : i can't fucking stand you all  


**hjpotter** : not this from the corpse simp  


**callmeginny** : AND WHAT ABOUT IT  


**dracomalfoy** : is anyone here normal  


**zabini** : bold words from the guy who called me crying at four in the morning because he read a lightning mcqueen x reader fanfic  


**nobody** : NO  


**zabini** : kachow on that bitch  


**dracomalfoy** : I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE BLAISE FFS  


**zabini** : sure you did. i guess you read that tinky winky one 'by accident' too  


**hjpotter** : draco you fucking did NOT i'm sjdhsksj  


**dracomalfoy** : SHUT THE FUCK UP STOP BULLYING ME  


**nobody** : dude are you not embarrazzed. this is really embarrazzing 😳  


**dracomalfoy** : no. i refuse to be victimised by the guy dating a furry. ok 🙄  


**nobody** : HE'S NOT A FURRY DRACO YOU FUCK  


**thomas06** : i'm sorry. what  


**dracomalfoy** : THEN EXPLAIN THE FURSUIT  


**nobody** : IT'S NOT A FURSUIT YOU DENSE FUCK IT'S A BUNNY ONESIE IT IS CUTE AND NONSEXUAL AND YOU KNOW IT  


**dracomalfoy** : yeah yeah that's what they all say  


**nobody** : that's it i'm teaming up with harry to annihilate you  


**dracomalfoy** : i'd love that but don't you have a boyfriend 😙  


**nobody** : BYE  


**hjpotter** : neville we aren't even friends until you tell me who your boyfriend is  


**nobody** : it's never been a secret but i'm enjoying watching you and @ **weasleyisourking** struggle so nobody tell them  


**thesuperiortwin** : wait you guys really don't know? this is so sad  


**weasleyisourking** : why are you @ing me  


**weasleyisourking** : oh not this again nev just TELL US  


**nobody** : nope ☺️  


**hjpotter** : is it someone in this chat  


**nobody** : wow nevermind... that is perhaps the single most insulting thing i've ever been asked  


**callmeginny** : one time that sleazer woman who works for the local paper asked you if you were gay because you needed a strong male presence in your life  


**callmeginny** : one time someone from durmstrang asked if you were colourblind because you "dressed like a muppet who'd been flung into a dumpster during a storm"  


**callmeginny** : one time seamus genuinely asked you if you could read clocks  


**nobody** : oh yeah rita skeeter. what a homophobic dickhead 🥰 and this is more offensive  


**weasleyisourking** : is it justin from our year 10 biology class  


**nobody** : finch-fletchley???? i- NO  


**weasleyisourking** : michael from maths  


**hjpotter** : lee????  


**thesuperiortwin** : ?  


**callmeginny** : fred don't say anything this is too good  


**hjpotter** : well??  


**nobody** : no and no  


**nobody** : can't believe you guys call yourselves my friends  


**zabini** : are you being deliberately obtuse? this is a genuine question  


**hjpotter** : NO WHO IS IT  


**nobody** : i go to all the trouble of creating myself a dramatic enemies to lovers slowburn and THIS is how you treat me?  


**dracomalfoy** : you were never enemies **** is just a capricorn his face is stuck like that  


**thomas06** : enemies to lovers, a gay culture staple  


**hjpotter** : unrelatable  


**thomas06** : literally shut up  


**hjpotter** : i breathed???  


**weasleyisourking** : mate even i can admit you were asking for that one  


**weasleyisourking** : there's only so many times you can no homo being a supportive shoulder for your so-called nemesis  


**callmeginny** : remember when they were literally holding hands because harry emotionally-constipated potter wanted to 'provide comfort' haha good times  


**thomas06** : every great love story starts the same  


**thomas06** : me bullying shay for being short until he fell for me 🥰  


**thomas06** : ron and hermione using intense debate as a weird mating ritual  


**callmeginny** : exactly. and we all know oliver wood and marcus flint were shagging, so. point proven.  


**hjpotter** : WHAT  


**callmeginny** : ok so some of us knew  


**dracomalfoy** : he really is just..... so blind  


**zabini** : pour one out lads  


**hjpotter** : shut up before i piss in your lightning mcqueen crocs  


**dracomalfoy** : YOU TRAITOROUS BITCH YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T TELL  


**zabini** : no. nope. absolutely not  


**nobody** : someone say fucking sike 😭  


**thesuperiortwin** : how does harry even know he has them 👀  


**callmeginny** : this is a joke right please tell me this is a joke.... CROCS  


**lalaluna** : oh draco....... no❤️  


**dracomalfoy** : luna 💔 i'm so sorry  


**dracomalfoy** : i've disappointed luna i'm genuinely devastated  


**dracomalfoy** : AS FOR YOU YOU SNEAK BITCH see if i ever facetime you at two in the morning to help you fall asleep again  


**callmeginny** : fellas...........  


**dracomalfoy** : i'm leaving this is too traumatic for one day  


**thesuperiortwin** : i'm literally still shaking over the lightning mcqueen crocs......  


**thesuperiortwin** : not draco lucius malfoy.......  


**dracomalfoy** : fuck you all and especially you potter i hate it here  


**lalaluna** : no wait 🥺 draco 🥺 i wanted to say something before you go  


**dracomalfoy** : well since it's you  


**dracomalfoy** : what is it  


**lalaluna** : .  


**lalaluna** : .  


**lalaluna** : .  


**lalaluna** : kachow❤️  


**dracomalfoy** : FUCK YOU ALL  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a dream we got a dis-ease stage and i thought about it for days afterwards. i just want justice.
> 
> enjoy these crumbs children. 
> 
> no but fr the past year was hard as fuck on all of us and i know things are still rough (england just went into another lockdown, woohoo!) (which is definitely overdue, but this isn't the time or place for my 'fuck the government' rant), SO if i can make even one person laugh, just for a moment, then that's enough for me. 
> 
> stay safe, stay gay. mwah.


End file.
